DEAR DOC: I DON’T FEEL ATTRACTIVE & I DON’T FEEL VALUED ..IF I WAS JUST A LITTLE SMALLER…

I had a female client in her 30’s tell me in session that if she was just a little smaller, maybe about 15-20 pounds lighter, she would be able to attract and keep the man of her dreams. Joy, this is not her real name, changed for the sake of confidentiality, is 36 years old, single mother of two, an 8-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son. On paper, Joy is successful, owning her own home, six figure career in the medical field and two gorgeous kids she adores. But at night, when the kids are in their own rooms, doing their own things which is primary on the social media platforms, she is constantly criticizing her body, her looks, her weight, wishing for a whole different, slimmer body, thinking it’s the cure for her happiness. The voice inside her says, “you’re not good enough the way you look, or the way you are.” “You’ll never find a man that will love you like this.”

My client has self-worth issues. But her thought process is like many others that I know even personally. I was once that girl too. Sometimes, I am still that girl, I’m just more conscious of when my mind starts to go down that “dark” place and I’ve learned how to challenge those thoughts and replace them with much better ones.

We frequently hear that developing a positive sense of self-worth and a strong sense of self-identity are prerequisites. The notions of self-acceptance and self-love are built on the foundation of self-worth. I shared with Joy during our session that it is challenging, if not impossible, for her to feel deserving of love or acceptance from others without having a strong sense of worth or value. And although she might feel temporarily better about her looks if she lost the weight, it would be only a matter of time before that mask is revealed back to the core of herself.

There are various effects of low self-worth. Negative self-talk, avoiding intimacy, comparing oneself to others, and undermining relationships because one feels unworthy of them are all self-defeating behaviors that are more likely to occur in people with low self-worth. And anyone who has been in an unhealthy or violent relationship knows all too well that being in a toxic setting frequently reinforces the sentiments of self-doubt that develop over time. However, individuals find themselves remaining in an unhealthy situation due of their low self-worth or feelings of shame.

Where does this low sense of worth come from? Many adults like Joy who have experienced neglect or abuse as children frequently struggle with insecure attachments throughout their lives, which includes problems with developing and upholding a sound sense of self-worth. Enmeshed, anxious-ambivalent, angry-dismissive, or avoidant attachment styles are more likely to repeat cycles of problematic relationship dynamics that reinforce feelings of worthlessness or lack of value, which increases the risk of developing disorders like depression and anxiety. People who are raised not to value their abilities or skills frequently have low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness throughout their lives.

What are some signs that you are lacking self-worth?

·       Feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious around others.

·       Avoidance of new places, relationships, or situations.

·       A history of abusive or neglectful relationships where basic needs are often unmet.

·       Seeking validation from others; a constant need for reassurance.

·       Settling for shallow or unfulfilling relationships.

·       Deep feelings of shame or not feeling “good enough”.

·       Discomfort with or inability to accept compliments from others.

·       People-pleasing behavior.

·       Sensitive to criticism or a fear of being judged by others.

·       Social anxiety or fear of being judged as unworthy.

Steps to Building Self-Worth

Building or rebuilding self-worth is a process and requires dedication, commitment, and a desire to recognize that you are a worthwhile person. One has to be ok with being honest with themselves and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Some tips in helping (re)establish a sense of worth include:

·       Accept Who You Are:

Accepting yourself fully and concentrating on increasing your self-esteem from there will help you see your natural value and worth. Being accepting is treating yourself with kindness, allowing yourself to be frail and human, and showing yourself compassion. If you've spent the most of your life struggling with never feeling good enough, be reasonable in your goals for personal progress and cherish each step you succeed at along the path. Keep in mind that getting there is just as crucial as being there.

·      Positively Challenge Your Inner Critic:

That little voice in your head wants to try to persuade you that you are not deserving of happiness or love or good enough to deserve it. And every single time you ruin your own happiness, that small voice triumphs. If your inner critic is trying to convince you that you are unworthy of love or happiness or that you are only worth a poisonous relationship, fight back by becoming conscious of your thoughts. When you hear oneself speaking negatively, where are you? What do you have to say? Try to disengage yourself from what you're "being told" by proving your false ideas to be false.

·      No More Toxicity:

When you have self-worth issues, you may find yourself drawn to unhealthy relationships for a variety of reasons, including the fact that they satisfy a need, temporarily divert your attention from your problems to someone else's, or that you may feel that a toxic relationship devoid of authenticity and depth is all you deserve. These connections can be made with friends, family, or coworkers as well as romantic partners. Recognize how you feel around particular people and whether your needs are being met or ignored. The connection could not be healthy if you feel unheard, invisible, or worse about yourself when you are around them.

·      Understanding That No One is Perfect:

Let go of the idea that you or anybody else needs to be flawless. Comparing yourself to others is common when self-worth is lacking. By concentrating on your flaws, you end yourself overlooking your positive traits and qualities, which leaves you mired in the belief that you are worthless. Self-love is poisoned by this mentality. Instead, understand that imperfection does not equate to lack of worth or value and that no one is perfect. Step away from the false ideals of beauty from social media and begin the real work that begins within you and not outside of you.

Today I want you to repeat, “I AM ENOUGH. I AM WHOLE. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS ME. I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVE. I AM MY OWN PEACE. I AM BEAUTIFULLY MADE.