Dear Doc: My mother passed about a year ago and I’ve noticed that my relationships with my younger sister and partner have changed, We’re not as close and I keep getting into these arguments with both of them more often than usual. I try to distract myself with work and I have never been the emotional type, I guess I keep it all inside. To me, crying all the time over something I can’t change, is a waste of my energy and only makes things worse. But now my sister thinks I’m heartless and I don’t care that our mom is dead, which is so untrue. I feel like I’m losing my sister and my partner.

Navigating the emotional journey of coping with your grief and loss is a complex and individual experience. No one grieves the same exact way, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

When I lost my mother in 2021, I felt numb. I went through a windmill of emotions from guilt, “I should have spent more time with her,” to a sense of helplessness, “I can’t do all this without her,” then anger, “Why did you leave me?” Sometimes I would cry for days, then there would be weeks I wouldn’t even think of her until I smelled the perfume she used to wear religiously while walking through Dillard’s department store. I think every emotion would fill up my entire body and all I would want to do is sleep. I recognize that this is my process, and you also have your own individual process.

THE PROCESS:

When someone is mourning, they can feel a wide variety of emotions, just like we can feel a wide variety of emotions in any relationship. There are frequently feelings of panic, worry, melancholy, and longing. We occasionally overlook the fact that there is also trouble focusing and uncertainty about what comes next. Even subtle losses in life can trigger a sense of grief. For example, you might grieve after moving away from home, graduating from college, or changing jobs.

When we have the experience of being in a relationship, our sense of who we are becomes intertwined with the other person. "Sibling" “Mother,” and "Spouse" both entail the existence of two people. As a result, when the other person is gone, we find that we must adapt to a completely different set of social conventions. Surprisingly, the brain encodes the "we" in that way. It is just as important as the "you" and "me," after all. So, when a person says, "I feel like I've lost part of myself," they are not being ironic. In a sense, the brain has the same sentiment and codes "we" in the same manner that it does "you" and "I."

Grief vs. Grieving:

Grief is that overwhelming emotional condition that sweeps over you like a wave and knocks you off your feet. Grieving inevitably involves passing time. Grieving is the process through which we come to terms with the loss of a loved one and learn to live with their absence. This distinction is justified by the fact that sadness is a natural reaction to loss and that we will always experience sadness. A lady who lost her mother when she was a young adult will feel that pain on her wedding day since it's a brand-new situation where she's reacting to loss. 

However, "grieving" refers to how we deal with our sadness as it evolves over time. So, when you are overcome with grief for the first time, or perhaps even the first 100 times, it feels bad and awful and strange. You may be saying to yourself, "I hate this, I don't want this to be true," for the 101st time. However, I am aware of it and am confident that I will survive the wave

What happens to our brains when we are grieving? 

There have been neuroimaging studies on sorrow and the brief emotional longing response. There aren't many studies that look at multiple moments in the same person throughout time, including their grief trajectory. What we now understand about the neuroscience of grieving comes primarily from pictures at this early stage.

Having said that, one thing we do know is that mourning is linked to a variety of different brain functions, such as the capacity to recall memories, the ability to imagine ourselves in another's shoes, and even actions like controlling our heart rate and the perception of pain and suffering. So many different brain regions are organizing this sense of sadness that we encounter.

What can you do to help someone who is grieving?

In my opinion, it's more important to listen to someone who is dealing with the horrible process of losing a loved one and assess where they are in their learning process than it is to try to make them feel better. Not lifting their spirits is the goal. The key is to be there for them, let them know you'll be there for them, and express your ability to envision a time when the waves of sorrow won't constantly topple them.

Take care of yourself as you grieve:

Taking care of yourself becomes more crucial than ever while you're mourning. Your energy and emotional reserves can be quickly depleted by the stress of a significant loss. It will be easier for you to get through this challenging period if you take care of your physical and emotional needs.

Embrace your emotions. Even if you try, you won't be able to escape experiencing grief forever. You must admit your pain if you want to recover. Avoiding pain and loss simply makes the grieving process take longer. Complications including despair, anxiety, substance misuse, and health issues can result from unresolved sorrow.

How can you help yourself if you are grieving?

When life has shattered with loss, grief journaling provides a meaningful way to process your emotions. Days into my grief of losing my mother, I picked up a half-used journal from my bedside table, turned to a new page, and began to spill out everything in my heart and head.

• Journaling can help with meaning-making during the grief process. I found that an important task during the grieving process is to figure out what your new life looks like after experiencing loss. Journaling can help you work through your thoughts and feelings to construct a new self-narrative.  Science backs up the significant benefits of journaling through the grief journey and I encourage all who are going through their own losses, to try journaling as well because the memories you have shared will last forever.

• Take solace in your faith. Accept the consolation that your religion's customs for grieving might offer if you practice it. You may find comfort in engaging in spiritual pursuits that are important to you, such as prayer, meditation, or attendance at church. In the wake of the loss, talk to a clergyperson or other members of your religious community if you're having doubts about your beliefs.

• Sign up for a support group. Even when you are surrounded by loved ones, grief can feel quite lonely. Sharing your grief with people who have suffered losses can be therapeutic. Contact your neighborhood's hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling facilities to find a bereavement support group, or use the links below.

• Speak with a therapist, life coach, or grief specialist. If needed, find a mental health practitioner with training in grief therapy if your grief feels overwhelming. An expert therapist and mental health expert can assist you in navigating difficult emotions and overcoming mourning challenges.

Remember, don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don't tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it's time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It's okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry, or not to cry. It's also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you're ready. This is your story to tell.

If you are seeking professional grief or mental health support, please contact Dr. Gloria Hudson.